I am so used to hiding what I really feel to people that sometimes I don't know who I am, what I am doing and saying anymore. It makes me feel so insincere and hypocritical. I am tired of taking the first initiative, of being understanding and caring when people just wield me around like a rag doll, pushing me around to humour themselves. Where has the innocence in this world gone to? I really have no idea what he knows and what he doesn't know and its killing me slowly. Instead of getting better, many things are spiralling out of control. I have no time and mood to try to understand why things happen already. If its bound to happen, it will. Perhaps this will grant me temporal happiness, a kind of escapism that would surely leave me empty, lifeless and hopeless in the end. Sighs, I miss my sons, i miss redcross, i miss talking to my cousin, i miss lifu qiyang and gene, delia, janet and so so many people, those whom I trust.

May is the worst month I ever had. I shall take a blue pill for tomorrow and hopefully I will see the light soon.